My math professor has a tendency to abuse the word “fun.” Trying to prove identities are not “fun.” Graphing parametric equations are not “fun.” Math that I’m never going to need is not and never will be “fun.” This class was loathsome in the beginning. Add this to the fact that I found out just a few weeks from the end of the quarter that I don’t even need to be taking this class, and you get one pretty pissed Sarah. The end of the quarter gloriously awaits. (Except, I have a five-page English essay and a portfolio due then. Stop procrastinating.)

Tell me, why do people always feel compelled to point out to me that I’m “so quiet?” Does it bother you? Is it really necessary to fill every moment of silence with noise? I personally don’t feel the need to speak if I have nothing substantial to say (much unlike you). Nor am I the kind of person that needs to “think” with my mouth. Maybe if you’d stop talking (and complaining) and start listening, you’d understand better what is being taught.

Also, I’d like to know why people like to ask me (or worse, ask the people around me as if I’m deaf) whether or not I¬†talk. I was tempted to tell you that I’m a mute so no, I don’t talk. Honestly, what kind of question is that? You’ve just made yourself look three times as dumb as you did five seconds ago.

Love,
Sarah.

P.S. You’re not funny. Please to be STFU.

Want to know a secret? Since coming here I would occasionally feel tiny bits of regret about coming here, but quickly pushed them aside. What right do I have to want to go home after people did so much to get me here? After all the money and effort that was spent, I can’t be unhappy. I keep reminding myself that this is what I wanted (pretty badly, too) and about all the things that made me want this. I’m so bewildered that I could possibly feel this way, especially now. Mom said that if I can’t get into UW then I should come home. I think part of me secretly hopes that I don’t get in. I’ll definitely still try, and hope that I change my mind about (*cough*) not wanting to be here anymore.

I most likely will not miss:
¬ª my allergies (I still have them here, though they’re not as bad)
» how hot the house gets during the day
» clutter around the house
» the lack of activities
» limited selection at the craft stores
¬ª parents’ silly disagreements
¬ª my mother’s tendency to buy things we could do without, haranguing
¬ª my father’s laziness, carelessness, introversion
» the lack of sidewalks when I go for walks >:[
» mynah birds
» the enormously abundant gnats during the summer
[added 20 Sept]
» the humidity
» acting as a shuttle to those who never return the favor
» those who insist on acting as a shuttle while inconsiderately causing concern for the safety of their passengers
» the vanity and selfishness of unnamed persons
¬ª high prices of everything (some of it’s ridiculous compared to stuff here >:O )

But I’ll miss:
» having friends nearby (well, that goes without saying)
» our garden (and its abundance of basil and mint. Also the occasional gardenias and hibiscus.)
» the beach(!)
» li hing mui
» shave ice (especially with condensed milk. *dies*)
» pidgin English
¬ª Mom’s cooking
[added 20 Sept]
» the chirping of coqui frogs at night (it is dead silent here ><)
» Mom and Dad (soon enough.. [ORLY NO WAI!!1!one :O ])
» the warmth of the sun
» the way the lights from cars move across the walls of my room when the cars pass by
» the lack of traffic
» cushioned, backed dining room chairs
» tangerines from the neighbors yard (shhh)
» the sound of the wind blowing through my windows at night while lying in bed
» the sound of the rain at night while lying in bed
» the view of Mauna Kea from our house on a clear morning (and evening), especially after a storm

The inbetweens:
¬ª the chirping of coqui frogs at night (I’ll probably miss that eventually)
¬ª my mom and dad (This isn’t to say I don’t love them, but I think this time away from them is much needed right now. )

Interesting, the way in which these lists grew, don’t you think? Occasionally a memory will pop up in my head, usually involving my friends, and I’ll be a little sad. But! I will not get homesick. *repeats to self* (I smell irony.)

In other news, I have my own room now. Another aunty (Mom’s and host Aunty’s sister) and uncle also came to visit for a couple of weeks and were staying in it. They left today, so yes. It’s nice having my own space that isn’t cluttered and hot like the one at home. I still feel bad, like I’m imposing by staying here. My aunty’s too generous. Well, what is is.

I’ve also been having dreams about getting lost and driving badly. They’re pretty scary. I would speed, run stoplights, not know how to get to where I’m going, and as a result do dangerous U-turns. They really enforce the speed limit here. In some towns there are cameras and every stoplight. I don’t speed and I’ll have a GPS (good story about that later) but apparently I’m stil worried.

An epic fail had transpired yesterday. We drove to some military base that was kind of a long drive to find a cheap GPS. We found one, bought it, and came home. Dad tells me to open it up and check it out. The box is (DUNDUNDUN) empty except for some mounting parts and wires. So Dad and Uncle drive all the way back to get what is rightfully ours and (DUNDUNDUN) the box was for the display model, which was the only one they had in stock. So they drove home empty handed. “Lose money” is a highly appropriate phrase for this situation.

(Mostly) All ranting aside, the flights here went pretty well. My only complaints would be my allergies and how cramped the plane was from Honolulu to Seattle. I’m really loving the 70¬∫ weather here. Not to mention all the TREES. Sure, Hilo has trees, but not TREES. Tall pines, oaks, and various other TREES are to be seen everywhere. The view of Mount Rainier is nice too (but it’s just a huge boulder with snow on it compared to Mauna Kea. That may just be my “Hawaiian pride” talking though [boiiii].) I got to see one squirrel, hopping across a lawn, after envying Inabs for all the ones she’s seen (excluding the flattened ones I saw on the road). And I hear there are deer that cross the street every so often. All Hilo has is nasty-ass toads and mongoose. If you can’t already tell, I’ve been comparing a lot between here and Hawaii. Neither is really better than the other overall, but everything here is different to me and it’s nice. It’s even come to my attention that (*gasp*) I’m a minority. There are lots of haoles and even though there are a lot of Asians here too (ho some planny Koreans) I really feel like a minority. Not that it matters. I’ve just never noticed it until now.

There are some interesting business names here. Like Koibito Sushi and Teriyaki. And…well that’s the only one I can remember at the moment but there were better ones.

Pictures will be posted soon, when I take more of them.

As for my future, I don’t see anything. I don’t know where I want to be or what I want to do. I may be only seventeen years young, but it’s discomforting not having any direction or desires, apart from what others think might (or might not) just be a good path for me (see previous entry). Seeing so many people around me who are already so sure of what they want in life, I am envious. I feel useless and wonder what business I have even being here. Even as a wee girl there would be times when I’d feel as though I were just a waste of space. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I so badly want to be sure of something, anything regarding my future, like those people who are so merrily going along their chosen paths.

I’ve learned to take my camera with me everywhere I go, even if it’s just for a walk.

_{Twelve days left!}