Mom and Dad went home today. A month ago I thought I’d be relieved. I imagined less anger, more freedom, and overall contentment. A couple of weeks after we got here I realized I didn’t loathe them as much as I thought I did. This probably being because they were often socializing with the rest of the family, leaving some space between the three of us, and also because we were often out and about. It was much different from home, where we’d be stuck in the house all day with nothing to do, sometimes getting on each other’s nerves. Here there was no monotony, no tension. It came to a surprise to me that when I woke up this morning, I cried. I dreamt that I was hugging my mom and when I woke up I started bawling. It’s strange, not to mention frustrating that I was so eager to get away from them, being so sure that I’d be happier here, and now I actually miss them.
Want to know a secret? Since coming here I would occasionally feel tiny bits of regret about coming here, but quickly pushed them aside. What right do I have to want to go home after people did so much to get me here? After all the money and effort that was spent, I can’t be unhappy. I keep reminding myself that this is what I wanted (pretty badly, too) and about all the things that made me want this. I’m so bewildered that I could possibly feel this way, especially now. Mom said that if I can’t get into UW then I should come home. I think part of me secretly hopes that I don’t get in. I’ll definitely still try, and hope that I change my mind about (*cough*) not wanting to be here anymore.
Remember this? Here it is again, updated:
I most likely will not miss:
» my allergies (I still have them here, though they’re not as bad)
» how hot the house gets during the day
» clutter around the house
» the lack of activities
» limited selection at the craft stores
» parents’ silly disagreements
» my mother’s tendency to buy things we could do without, haranguing
» my father’s laziness, carelessness, introversion
» the lack of sidewalks when I go for walks >:[
» mynah birds
» the enormously abundant gnats during the summer
[added 20 Sept]
» the humidity
» acting as a shuttle to those who never return the favor
» those who insist on acting as a shuttle while inconsiderately causing concern for the safety of their passengers
» the vanity and selfishness of unnamed persons
» high prices of everything (some of it’s ridiculous compared to stuff here >:O )
But I’ll miss:
» having friends nearby (well, that goes without saying)
» our garden (and its abundance of basil and mint. Also the occasional gardenias and hibiscus.)
» the beach(!)
» li hing mui
» shave ice (especially with condensed milk. *dies*)
» pidgin English
» Mom’s cooking
[added 20 Sept]
» the chirping of coqui frogs at night (it is dead silent here ><)
» Mom and Dad (soon enough.. [ORLY NO WAI!!1!one 
])
» the warmth of the sun
» the way the lights from cars move across the walls of my room when the cars pass by
» the lack of traffic
» cushioned, backed dining room chairs
» tangerines from the neighbors yard (shhh)
» the sound of the wind blowing through my windows at night while lying in bed
» the sound of the rain at night while lying in bed
» the view of Mauna Kea from our house on a clear morning (and evening), especially after a storm
The inbetweens:
» the chirping of coqui frogs at night (I’ll probably miss that eventually)
» my mom and dad (This isn’t to say I don’t love them, but I think this time away from them is much needed right now. 
)
Interesting, the way in which these lists grew, don’t you think? Occasionally a memory will pop up in my head, usually involving my friends, and I’ll be a little sad. But! I will not get homesick. *repeats to self* (I smell irony.)
In other news, I have my own room now. Another aunty (Mom’s and host Aunty’s sister) and uncle also came to visit for a couple of weeks and were staying in it. They left today, so yes. It’s nice having my own space that isn’t cluttered and hot like the one at home. I still feel bad, like I’m imposing by staying here. My aunty’s too generous. Well, what is is.
304 words
- Ryan
